This is not selfish. It's smart. Do you know anyone who spends her entire life answering every phone call, dropping what she's doing to prevent another person's inconveniences, running around doing errands for other people, filling needs that other people could fill for themselves, and basically making sure everyone except herself is looked after?
I do. They are good, caring, selfless women. But some of them pay so very little attention to their own needs that they actually end up being less than they could be for the people in their lives about whom they care most.
Neglecting your own basic needs is not all that selfless if you are in a constant state of:
- irritability
- fatigue
- depression
- anxiety
- resentfulness
- disorganization
- chaos
Do you ever say, "no" when someone calls you up and asks you to drop what you're doing (they don't actually say that part) and do something for them instead? Because sometimes you should say, "no." Sometimes the person on the other end of the line is not in as big of a mess as you are yourself. Do you ever step back and evaluate the situation before giving your answer?
I don't know when I learned how to do this, but it did happen at some point.
I'll give you two examples - one from yesterday and one from today.
Yesterday, I had several work events planned for the afternoon. I needed prep time for those events. It was important. My older son, who presently has no car, called me up and asked if I could do without my car so that he could use it for something which was very important to him.
I know many mothers who would have sacrificed their own plans in order to alleviate the strain in their son's life if this had happened to them.
What I said to my son was this: "I feel like the situation you find yourself in is a little bit of an emergency; however, my situation is actually more of an emergency. I'm sorry, but you cannot use my car until after 4:00 pm." He was, of course, disappointed, but he found another way to do what he needed to do, and my sanity was maintained for the events and the corresponding prep work that had to be done.
Today, the same son did a similar thing. He called me up because he needed a ride home from across town and had basically not planned ahead for this. Today, I decided to help him out. But I didn't just say, "Oh, okay I'll be right there." We evaluated things a little over the phone first. My son and I both understood that this would be an inconvenience to me, so he offered to do a few things to make my life easier in return for the favor. I took him up on these things.
Only a selfish mother would accept favors from her son in return for doing something nice for him, right? I don't think so. I think sharing responsibility is good for people and relationships. I think refusing compensation of some sort encourages people to take advantage of you, and it diminishes your estimation of your own worth.
I'm not implying that I never do favors for people just to be nice. I do that a lot. I'm actually making a distinction between doing an occasional favor and being a doormat. They are two different things, and women need to be a little bit vigilant to prevent one from becoming the other.
There is a snarky saying that goes like this: "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." I think it is a bit uncaring to adopt this philosophy in every case. People make mistakes and fail to plan ahead sometimes...even the ones who hang that saying in their offices. The people who need to experience your tough love side are the ones who make a habit of failing to plan and subsequently expecting you to come to their rescue. If they do this all the time, you have probably been teaching them to do it by acquiescing.
It's not selfish to know that your own life and plans are important. If you are looking forward to a morning of doing nothing but pampering yourself, and you've planned ahead to carve that morning out, why would you throw it out the window just because someone you care about forgot to do something they were supposed to do? Allowing our loved ones to suffer the consequences of their own actions is something we have to do from time to time. We don't have to do it all the time, but we definitely should be doing it some of the time.
Before dropping your own plans (or lack of them) in order to do what someone else wants you to do, pause long enough to determine if it's really something that must fall to you. Ask a few questions first. Ask yourself what you'll be giving up. Find out if you're the first person who as been called upon. Be willing to ask the recipient of your requested help for a favor of some kind in return...not to even the score, but to allow that person to help you as you are helping him or her.
Women don't always realize that they are just as important as the people they love. Why are we so willing to neglect ourselves for others? Do we crave praise? Do we want to be known as the hero? Do we not know our worth unless other people tell us about it?
Ask yourself this. Would someone who really cares about you delegate the responsibility of solving all of their problems to you? Would they be happy knowing that you are not living your own life to the fullest because you're always on call for them? Do they even know that you have your own life and interests? The responsibility of maintaining or reclaiming your own time in your own life rests with you.
Do you believe you deserve your own time? Do you believe that you might actually be behaving selfishly if you are constantly neglecting yourself?
It's something to think about.
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